feelings..

..so fuck you.. let me out of this hell when you're around..

Oh Lord..I'm so sorry..
I cannot change what is in my heart. I know that I'm only almost 18 but I'd really like to find the one I love and who loves me. I know almost everybody is looking for the one person..to love and to share life with and things. But I think what I want the most is just having kind of a relationshp...a lil family..something I never really had. Ok..I've got my mother and my brother..but You know there's a part missing...but that's just not the point.
I think I'm talking a shit here..but that's what I want at the moment. And I just don't understand why I cannot find that person...or why this person just doesn't feel the same..
and for some reason life feels just not OK today...sometimes I feel so great but there are this thoughts..and I know I'm still in some really bad stuff.
I have to get rid of it..and I'd really like to tell somebody but I can't. Well great..isn't it..

And Lord...listen...I really DO wanna go to the Leiterkurs in two weeks...I have to..I feel that...it's also that it is my fathers day of death that weekend and I don't wanna be all alone that day..it's his tenth..You know..and this means a lot to me..really..