not strong

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me."

Sometimes I feel so strong. Strong enough to change the world..but sometimes I just
feel so small and needy. So helpless. I can't help anyone out of his or her situation.
That's such an aweful feeling..
Seeing people standing in a terible situation and not having anything good to tell them.
Just NOTHING.
I keep telling me that I will understand everything one day..but it's getting harder
every and every day.
And I'm not as strong as people always seem to think. Maybe I've been strong for a long
time but I think it had just been self-protection.
And in my life people always seem to leave me alone ..
or maybe they just don't care about it. It's ok that people find there place in another
country but for me it sometimes feels like being that stupid little girl left anywhere
in that big big world..
people come and go and I'm always here in my tiny little world full of problems.
Ok, sometimes problems are just tiny little things that are OK but sometimes there's
this question of life and death and being left alone inside.
I like being alone sometimes and I even need it..more often than many people I think
but sometimes it's not that there are no poeple around me it's just taht nobody could
ever understand what it means to be 17 and alone at home again cause your mother is in
one this aseptic hospitals. Just the same way as it had been the year before and the year
before..not to forget the year before that year...whatever.
Sometimes I think I'm getting used to it but the truth is I'm just sick and tired of
all that shit.
And people around me keep telling that maybe one day I'll understand it..but sorry
I CAN'T see why THIS SHIT is good...no way.
It's NOT good that people are depressic and ill and in hospital ..it's NOT good that
people are dying and that I keep doing things that are just not good for me. And come
to tha point again where I just hate myself for being who I am ..
and I don't wanna come to the point of last year again..
I don't wanna lose my relationship to God. But I keep telling God how I hate that fucking
shit and that HE is the only one who's responsible for it..
HE could change, couldn't He?
Why not?
...what am I supposed to learn from this hospital-being depressiv-being ill and
so on shit?!
Next sunday there's this worship service and I'm happy that I will not have to lead..
but still I'm not feeling able to praise God for being "so absolutely wonderful"..
I know I should praise him without looking at my situation. And I should not care about
me but about my mother...but I can't. It's a feeling of love and hate when I see her.
Always. She's left me alone ..and she didn't do anything for me when people died..
I know she couldn't do anything..she had no strength anymore herself and I understand that.
But I couldn't understand it when I was younger..and I just can't forgive. I tried so much.
Really. I kept trying it for months now. But when I look into her eyes there's still
some hate in me. And it's growing with every hospital..
I know I'm always saying the same things but that's my life. Always the same. Just
hospital after hospital...and so on.
I'm sorry...