new beginnig?!...

I want to believe that God wants to change something. Today and tomorrow and everyday. i want to BELIEVE it...
but as things seem to go on like they always did it's so hard to believe.
All this pain..
I wanna be free, free from all this stupid thoughts and feelings and I don't wanna go the wrong way anymore. But I don't have the strenght to turn around..

I just cannot understand why it always goes that way. My mother's still ill..and I just don't wanna pray anymore cause it just doens't change anything?!?!... I wanna believe that God is able to heal. And when I think abput it I KNOW that He IS able..but why doesn't anything happen?
And why am I still a prisoner?! ..
Why am I so fucking stupid...

I just feel so cold..