I was sitting on my bed(wonderful squeaking bed) and thought about my failures and faults and what mercy is. I often think "ok I did something wrong but I'm even so loved by my heavenly father..so let's go on". STOP. I suddenly recognized what's wrong about that, I'm loved that's right but I cannot go on without looking wich effect my faults had. What did I do to other people by being fixed on myself? Not only WHAT went wrong but also WHY went it wrong? Sometimes I catch myself when I just think "Ok the people around me didn't recognize that I messed up something or did anything wrong so why should I talk about it?" but I should think about God at first! And I should talk about it to God...and I should let him work on my heart. "What I'm getting at, friends, is that you should simply keep on doing what you've done from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure." (Phillipper 2, 12-13) ...so now that noone's looking at me I should even more try to become what God wants me to. I could just take his mercy for free and keep on doing what I did before. Keep on living in my sin cause nobody - besides God - can see it. Easy, isn't it? Er well...maybe easy but I think also wrong. It's like stamping on Gods mercy. HE wants to change my heart and HE IS interessted in what I did and why I did it. I should come to God by myself and ask him to help me. That's what I did...cause there are many things that went wrong in my life the past time. I did things I never wanted to do just because I thought it would help me. But it didn't...not in the least. Afterwards everything was as bad as before or even worse. Now I've recognized that this cannot be the right way..I came to God cause I know I've many wounds that cannot be healed by anyone but by God. HE's the one who can heal you up inside. HE can fix it....dunno how long it'll take but I know my father can make it. There are many things I made out of a lack but the things didn't help. And I know HE can change me, my heart and all that is within..HE CAN HELP..believe me? Try it...HE will make it, he's the champ:)...I'll not take HIS mercy for free anymore without trying to change my heart. I know HE's willing to change me, so I'll go and run into his arms not only today but also tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Know what I mean? I wanna say that you cannot go on like you did without Gods mercy, ok you can...but I think it's not what God wants us to. HE has the strenght to change even me...and you and everyone. It's a lot of work but nobody ever said to me it would be really easy...
oh yeah God's great...:)