the thing

..that I don't have to search anymore. I've found it. It's deep in my heart. It'll always be right here. It won't ever leave me and I will be waiting until the day it comes to me. I know nobody can understand it, nobody...how should anybody?! Words can't tell, I can't tell. It's inside of me and I know I'm better of WITH it than WITHOUT it. It's just that I don't know where this will lead me..
"harmless"?! You should know it's not...and it won't ever be like that. I'm counting every word and I'm interpreting them..even if I'm trying to cut it out.
It's just a thing giving me n awesome feeling.
It's always both..encouraging and daunting, full of hope and crestfallen, pleasent and painful..but it's OK. Just OK.

Can't go on like this. And I won't. I won't make myself addicted to something like that. Giving the thing time until 8.8.07...evening...until I'm lying in my bed. Remember me...
It's either closing something or opening something else...so let's see God let's see..
I'll keep praying..
and now I'll go on living...

I long for your love so much..