anything

What is this fucked up life about?! What is it about? Tell me! God..tell me?!..
I sit here. Lonely. At a point where I can't cry anymore. I know that I'm sinking in self-pity..but how should I change that? HOW?! Tell me what you think. Speak to me. Tell me what my life is about! Tell me about my future Lord, please.
I beg you, father..please..just take it into your hands. Make something happen..let things change somehow..please. Life can't go on like this.
I want you to help the people around me Lord. I want you to help me to forget. I want you to teach me what true love is..
I can't explain what I'm thinking right now..I only know that things as they are now will make me become colder and colder. There's no end to that shit...
I'm in fear. I fear that I'll have to lose people. I fear that people will die. I fear that you're like my own father...I fear that everything's a lie. Like my father had been such a liar. People told me that they love me and that they won't ever leave but they left. I fear that I can't stop myself...you know what I'm talking about Lord. You know..
I fear that nobody will ever understand. Heal me. Make me understand...please...
There's such a wall inside of me..I don't know where to begin and..I dunno Lord. I know that I only know little of the pain that other people had to experience. And I know that children anywhere...in columbia or something have to experience much harder things every and every day..
but I can't help myself Lord...I hate myself for even thinking like I do right now..
will it ever change?!
Tell me ..
...
I'm becoming numb..
whatever Lord..I just wanted to tell you. One thing Lord. Just make me understand why things can't be the way that I want them to. Just tell me if 6years are truly too much..or what's wrong about me...explain to me..