...too much..

I'd like to say that everything is ok...or maybe just that I believe that one day everything WILL BE ok. But I don't know wether things are going to be alright again..there's nothing left besides fear and a feeling of loneliness. Loneliness that is there even when thousands of people are sitting around me. I felt like that today in service. I couldn't even sing the worship songs. It is just too much for me. Not because i don't velieve that there's God. It's not like it had been one year ago. It's mre like ...I know that I can't go on like this. There are too many things that are more and more taking control ..kinda.
I dunno...anything.

I really thought that today things are gonna change. I thought I could just talk to him but he had been gone before I even had a chance to tell anything. I would do anything Lord..anything. It's killing me..and I'm not kidding. I thought it would be gone soon. This feeling of ..being left. But one year and I'm still sitting at the same place. And I can't stop it.
I know that this can't be the end. There's more to it...you told me. I don't know what excactly but I know that there's gonna be more...

I can't explain what's going on in me, with me..or anywhere around me. I just know that things can't go on like that. I will have to stop something. And I will have to talk about it. I will explain things soon. I promise...and I promise that life's gonna change. In a good way or in a bad.
I never had been one of this half-assed people...so I either say "ok GOD You and me forever and with all of my heart. I give you ALL. And I take up the cross." or "Ok GOD there's nothing left to say. I will leave and not come back. I wil make things on my own and never again ask you o help me..You didn't help me when I asked you to do and now I'm gone. Goodbye.:"

there's no other way...