challenge and so on..

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry


I'm sorry for being who I am sometimes. And most of all for doing things the way I do them.
I can't understand myself sometimes..you it's just like I'm treating some people like less than shit sometimes.
First of all my mother...ok, I don't show it front of her but I feel like treating her like shit. Even if I do everything she wants me to(more or less)..but it's about how THINK and FEEL about it.

Afterwards I always failed in friendships.. I'm hinking about me and my little world the whole time..that's unbelievable..for sure I also think of my friends sometimes..but I can't help them and sometimes friendships just failed cause of my indifferenz. I just couldn't understand some things...or I don't know...people turned out be else than they seemed to be.
Whatever..

I'm sorry of being unfaithful. God challenged me and I just failed. And as if that wouldn't be enough....I CHALLENGED HIM..
I'm such a loser sometimes. I asked him to do this and that...and what really wonders me is that He did...
There's only one thing He didn't do. Ok God had not always been on time but hey GOD is SOVEREIGN. And I once learned that. But sometimes things seem to overwhelm me. And I always react with being fixed upon myself. Just like "I'm sooo sad..things are soo bad...and the world is sooo bad too. And so on.."
And that's not true. I knew that all the time...but I was too proud. I thought I could walk on my own. Just like "if God doesn't want to things my way I'll do them alone"..."I'll fix on my own"...-and I failed.
And I'm not out of it yet.
I don't really WANT to stop some things. Maybe cause it just seems to be too hard. But God would help me if I'd REALLY ask Him to. I think I know that..I should.
But it seems to be easier to go on like I always did. But if I really wanna see great things I'll have to make a DECISSION. Everybody has to. That's what I think.
I don't know if I'll ever be willing enough to make mine. I hope so..

I don't wanna fail again..

I felt so good yesterday in service. Some songs just made me feel good and I sang them outa my heart. Some of them really had some strenght in it. I don't know why I can't just say.."ok, today there's the BREAK and the COMEBACK. the beginning of something new and powerful and I will just stop everything that doesn't please God."...and that might be big things but also tiny little things. Don't know if you understand it...i do...that counts..

all in all just a weird weekend...feelings and thoughts spinning round my head..