realizing some things again

So Ive had some days of ups and downs. I really failed last saturday at work...I couldnt stand the situation to sit somewhere in a supermarket full of weird people that dont know what I know and that dont know who I am. I might have felt like a poor, little, misunderstood baby. And ...dunno...maybe I became kinda proud. Proud of knowing a God they dont know...maybe proud is the wrong word. Its more that I felt as if its just not the right place to be at the moment. But whatever it was its made me feel strange. I saw those people and most of the time Ive been full of indifference..and sometimes I even got angry cause of a stupid little thing. But I dont wanna be full of indifference when I see the world anymore...I wanna see those people the way God sees them. And He sees that first of all theyre His long lost childs and that He loves them ...He just cant help it. Its His character, He IS love...He wants to love them and thats what He will always do. But sometimes I see people...alcoholics, obese ones, scruffy people...and I cant help it but my first thought is..."please dont touch me"...or anything like this. And this is being proud. And it hurts God seeing me sitting there and thinking such thoughts. He still loves me ..this I know for sure ..but He wants to change my heart for He knows that its not good for me.
Everytime I manage to fix upon Christ and to let Him show me what He thinks about them its so much better.
And I want that feeling of love without having any reason(but Christ) to love them in me every time...always...its so good.

My sundays been weird too...Ive done the worship in service with Lizzy and Nele and its been fun when the three of us arived there and just tried out to play something together. But I felt so strange...when we prayed for the service I felt like Gods been calling me to just go outside to just meet with Him there. But I felt like I couldnt just leave the room where we prayed for the service...cause its what you have to do before a sevice, isnt it? You have to pray for it...
yeah and that is right. But I soon realized that it wouldve been better to go and share some minutes with God alone. I couldnt fix upon Christ when we started...and everything I tried went wrong...and I really felt like loser playing the guitar as if I couldnt play anything in fact. But then God made me smile. He asked me for whom Im doing that...just like "hey Kaddi, why are you trying so hard to be good enough? Youre trying to give me the best you can do....but the best thing you can offer me is your heart! No matter how it looks like, no matter how many scars and tears...I just want your heart!"
And I couldnt help it but smile about myself, about my stupid pride and the last days and how Ive been trying to be good enough and ended up powerless and weak. And I just started to walk to Him...to His throne. And after the sermon I enjoyed the last songs...cause Ive not been trying to be anything I am not. Ive just offered Him the best I have...and thats my heart.

I really began to realize how long it will take me to overcome my old being the last days. There are so many things that are just not good. My past thats just been painful and Im not through it..and I wont be for a long time I think. My pride that makes me think that Im better than anyone because of whatever....and sometimes its hard when youre trying to be better cause you cant always be the best one in the eyes of everyone. And still Im trying to be strong infront of almost everybody..even when I just feel like crying. And theres so much more that I cant even name...but I know that I wanna get rid of it step by step. And God always keeps encouraging me...Hes showing me what Hes already done every and every day. And when I just fix my eyes upon Christ I suddenly realize how wonderful every day is...just because HE has made this day.

Well today I just had an amazing time with friends. Weve been watching cars tonight and I just LOVE that movie...its awesome:D
And I love my friends cause they just make me feel like its ok...I dont have to be perfect and they dont blame me if I do something wrong. Maybe I have to learn that sometimes its much stronger to be honest and to say what went wrong than to pretend that everythings fine. I am allowed to just grow step by step...and to do things wrong and stuff. Cause He still loves me the same...

"Whoever believes in him is not condemned..."

Hes already forgiven us EVERYTHING. All our faults and failures, our pride, our stupid attempts to be something were not, our falling back into old behaviours again and again...just everything. The only one who can now condemn is me when I just cant show mercy on myself.
I wanna accept that Im forgiven and free and that falling just means that I have to stand up again..but it doesnt mean that Im not forgiven anymore. And I want to have mercy on me...cause the Lord of Lords and King of Kinds has mercy on me.