yesterday

So Ive had a more or less good weekend. I dont really know what to think about it yet.
Yesterday Ive been to the prophetic evening of Stefan Driess and I expected a lot. And I expected it to come my way. And it just didnt come my way.
The worships just not been what I expected...I kinda got used to good bands and worship while Ive been in england and now I just saw that people and they were unperfect in what they did. And I couldnt fix upon Jesus cause I had my struggles to just see them the way Jesus would have seen them. Especially that one woman made me feel like that...
But I prayed...I prayed that God would show me at least a tiny lil part of His heart for that person. And He did...you cant imagine how it felt to see how wrong you were...I almost cried cause He loved her so for doing what she did. And I couldnt stand it longer...
And I think thats really just been the tiniest part of His love for her. How amazing our God is...
Well after that I somehow got into worship and I liked what Stefan said.
Its been about forgiveness and I know thats what everybody has to do in his life...if he or she wants to be free. And its what Ive to do.
I liked that he told us how Hes doing it..and that he has bad feelings insida his heart too. And I liked that he told us that its your head that has to do the first step..and that we cant give pure forgiveness outa ourselfs. God has to give the pureness and stuff...
And it might take a long time...thats what I think. And you might return to start sometimes...but Hes gonna help me through all of it step by step.

Well I really expected Stefan to tell me something Gods told him...Ive been waiting for it all the time. And I hate the fact that God told him nothing at all..
He just prayed for me...for money;)... well thats good cause somehow I know that prayer has strenght...but I so expected God to speak to me through him. Well...God has His own ways and Im gonna trust that Hes gonna show me in time.

I realized that some people are thinking that I should be happy cause Ive got that much free time and nothing to do at all. No more school and stuff..
But can you tell me, do you know what exactly Ive got to do each and every day?? NO!
Do you know how it feels to lose every perspective you once had?? Or how it feels to fail and fail again...?? I know its my own fault and that makes it even worse cause I cant even cry about it...cause nobody but myself got me into that situation.
So dont ever think you know what its like to be me...